Baby Twinkle

I used to think it was funny- I would joke that Kyle looked at me and we got pregnant. We never even had to try. I mean, we accidentally got pregnant with twins... enough said. But it wasn't that way this time. This time, it was a year on my knees, begging, and asking God why we couldn't have another baby. I promised Him I would learn whatever it was He wanted me to learn. I told Him how hard I was trying to do everything just right, and I promised to try even harder, if he would just give me this one thing I wanted more than anything. Last fall, I stopped buying pregnancy tests, and I felt so completely broken each month when I started my period that it was difficult to even get out of bed.

Another aspect of secondary infertility that I never saw coming was the terrible guilt. I already have 4 amazing, beautiful, healthy children. There are so many people who don't get to have even one child, and other people who try for ten years, not just one. There are people who spend tens of thousands on IVF and adoption---so why couldn't I just be happy and grateful for the kids I already have?

I wanted answers. I needed a reason--something I could point to and fix. But every test my doctor ordered came back normal, so they tested me again to make sure. "Come back next month and we'll go from there," she told me.

I was late. I was nauseous. My chest was super sore. My stomach looked bloated. I told myself I was crazy, that I was imagining my symptoms, that I wanted to be pregnant so bad that I had actually convinced myself that I was. Finally, I stopped at Rite Aid on the way home from the twins' favorite park, and we walked down the aisle I know too well now. I drove straight home, my hands shaking on the steering wheel, and butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't let myself believe it yet. My heart couldn't take another negative. I took the test.

I buried my face in my hands, crying like I have never cried before. I could barely stand, leaning up against the bathroom door for support. I used my hands to stifle my cries, so the twins wouldn't hear me. I looked at the test on the counter again. Two pink lines. I cried harder and louder.
"Thank you, God!" I was finally able to say. "Thank you, God!"

Once I thought I had gathered myself enough to make a phone call, I called Kyle. The moment I heard his "hello", I lost all composure again. I had wanted this moment, imagined this moment, for over a year--the moment I could tell him we were having another baby, knowing how happy we would both be. And now that the moment was finally here--- I couldn't even speak.
"Bristyl, what's wrong? Is everything okay?"

"I'm pregnant!" I sobbed.

He laughed and laughed, which made me cry even harder, which made him laugh even louder. He came straight home and held me in his arms. It was one of the happiest moments of my whole life.

Also, Juliette wants to name the baby...Twinkle.