Baby Twinkle

I used to think it was funny- I would joke that Kyle looked at me and we got pregnant. We never even had to try. I mean, we accidentally got pregnant with twins... enough said. But it wasn't that way this time. This time, it was a year on my knees, begging, and asking God why we couldn't have another baby. I promised Him I would learn whatever it was He wanted me to learn. I told Him how hard I was trying to do everything just right, and I promised to try even harder, if he would just give me this one thing I wanted more than anything. Last fall, I stopped buying pregnancy tests, and I felt so completely broken each month when I started my period that it was difficult to even get out of bed.

Another aspect of secondary infertility that I never saw coming was the terrible guilt. I already have 4 amazing, beautiful, healthy children. There are so many people who don't get to have even one child, and other people who try for ten years, not just one. There are people who spend tens of thousands on IVF and adoption---so why couldn't I just be happy and grateful for the kids I already have?

I wanted answers. I needed a reason--something I could point to and fix. But every test my doctor ordered came back normal, so they tested me again to make sure. "Come back next month and we'll go from there," she told me.

I was late. I was nauseous. My chest was super sore. My stomach looked bloated. I told myself I was crazy, that I was imagining my symptoms, that I wanted to be pregnant so bad that I had actually convinced myself that I was. Finally, I stopped at Rite Aid on the way home from the twins' favorite park, and we walked down the aisle I know too well now. I drove straight home, my hands shaking on the steering wheel, and butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't let myself believe it yet. My heart couldn't take another negative. I took the test.

I buried my face in my hands, crying like I have never cried before. I could barely stand, leaning up against the bathroom door for support. I used my hands to stifle my cries, so the twins wouldn't hear me. I looked at the test on the counter again. Two pink lines. I cried harder and louder.
"Thank you, God!" I was finally able to say. "Thank you, God!"

Once I thought I had gathered myself enough to make a phone call, I called Kyle. The moment I heard his "hello", I lost all composure again. I had wanted this moment, imagined this moment, for over a year--the moment I could tell him we were having another baby, knowing how happy we would both be. And now that the moment was finally here--- I couldn't even speak.
"Bristyl, what's wrong? Is everything okay?"

"I'm pregnant!" I sobbed.

He laughed and laughed, which made me cry even harder, which made him laugh even louder. He came straight home and held me in his arms. It was one of the happiest moments of my whole life.

Also, Juliette wants to name the baby...Twinkle.

Snow Day

For a month, my kids ran to the kitchen each morning to ask, "Alexa, what's the forecast in Julian?" Each day when I picked them up from school, they would ask, "Is there snow yet, Mom?" And they whined in unison when the response was always, "Not yet, Honey. I'll keep checking."


Then, on a magical Monday in February, it finally happened! There was a 100% chance of snow in Idyllwild, the cutest little town in the mountains beyond Hemet (about 2 hours away). I called the office to let them know that my kids would NOT be attending school, Kyle blocked out his schedule for the whole day, and we headed up to the mountains!


My kids sang their hearts out to Taylor Swift, in between telling us all the things they wanted to do when we finally made it to the snow. Henry wanted to build a snowman, Juliette wanted to make a snow angel, London was excited about literally everything, but mostly wanted to eat it, and Elle kept asking if it was going to be cold. As we drove, we watched the temperature gauge    s l o w l y    drop. We stopped for gas at the base of the mountain, and the temperature was 41 degrees. I said a silent prayer that we hadn't come all this way for nothing.

Sure enough, as we approached the town of Idyllwild, there wasn't any snow at all. The temperature was 34 degrees, and the rain was freezing and wet. The hills at the public park I had planned to play at were brown and snow-less. Kyle ran in to a restaurant for help. "Continue up this road," they said, "If there's any snow at all, that's where it will be." The kids were growing restless. "Mom, where's the snow?"
"Right up this road, Honey! We're almost there!"
Kyle looked at me with his practical eyes and whispered, "I hope you're right."
"Oh my goodness, me too," I said.
I prayed out loud this time.

And of course, you know what happened next. The road twisted and winded up, up, up, and the temperature started dropping and the snow started sticking and the kids started cheering! We found a little place to park, and the kids jumped out of the car and immediately started laughing. They opened their mouths to catch the snow falling quietly from a grey sky.

Henry scooted around on his stomach eating the snow nearly all afternoon. Juliette thought throwing snowballs was the most hilarious thing in the world. She laughed like I've never heard her laugh before, throwing snow balls at everyone, missing almost every time, but squealing with pure joy anyway. London and Elle helped Kyle build a snow man, and slid down the mountain on their bottoms.

I can't believe it all worked out, and I don't know the last time I felt so complete, content, and genuinely happy. I think days like that Monday in February are what life is all about.

Back to December

I took my kids to Yogurtland today. It was actually a bribe because they didn't want to go back to school. There used to be one about 2 minutes from our house, so we took the kids on Fridays to celebrate the end of another week, or Mondays after family night, or other times when we were just craving something super delicious. But two months ago, our Yogurtland closed its doors without any notice at all, and we haven't been since! Today's venture was a twenty-minute drive, and ooooh so worth it!

I sat there in Yogurtland, just watching my children, and I almost couldn't handle it. All four children were sitting together, enjoying their most favorite flavors and toppings, and each offered me a bite of their yogurt. And then they started offering bites to each other, reaching their arms across the table to share mango or peanut butter or "baniwah" with their very best friends: their siblings. "Oooh! Can I try yours?" "Thank you!" And as I watched them, I had this beautiful moment of clarity that I hope to never forget. I choked back my proud mommy tears, and thought----Sheesh. Of all the things I'm doing wrong, I must be doing something right.

This Christmas break, I had three glorious weeks to spend at home with my kids. Usually, I plan a trip or two, but not this year! Instead, we played at local parks, performed Science experiments, went to museums, built forts, read books, cooked delicious meals together, cuddled A LOT, and said a tearful goodbye to my sweet great-grandmother. She was 95.

And when it was all over, my kids BEGGED me to home school them.

London- "Mom, please! You're so smart! You can teach us all the things you know, and then we can be together all the time!"

Elle- "Yeah, Mom! We like being with you! It's so fun!"

Henry- "Yes, and we can see all the dinosaurs togever!"

Juliette- (screaming/laughing, running through the house, while Charlie barks and chases her)

I love being loved by my kids. I have decided that there is nothing better than being with them. Am I slightly crazy?
Okay, don't answer that.
But really, my fellow moms--- please tell me I'm not alone????!

London holding our homemade donuts. Holy delicious!
We filled the insides with marshmallows, which melted into the centers
and made them oh so sweet! 

The kids made this volcano from clay, painted it, and watched it erupt.
They got a whole Science Experiment Kit for Christmas from their cousin
 Layla, so we did an experiment almost every day.

Juliette is obsessed with plate tectonics. She asks me to tell her about it daily.
This room at the Natural History Museum was her favorite!

The only thing I wanted for Christmas was this pasta maker.
This is London and Elle making fusilli for chicken noodle soup.
 Chefs in the making!

Grandma Hollie came to visit for a few days, and we showed her all around Coronado
and Balboa Park. The kids were so happy to have her with us!

Homemade spaghetti and meatballs. The twins actually made this batch of pasta!
They stand on little white chairs they carry in from the toy room. Henry always sneaks
 and puts too much dough in, and then laughs hysterically when I catch him!

Grumpy Mary. 

Here, my kids are watching the sunset from a home my dad just finished building.
He threw a gingerbread-house-making party there to show off his beautiful work.
Somehow, I didn't get a single picture of a gingerbread house, or the house itself...

This is me and and Gramma, at her 90th birthday. Here, I'm pregnant with Elle.
 This is when I told Gramma (Eleanor) that we had chosen to name our daughter
 after her. Her response? "How 'bout that!"

We feel so lucky to have had her in our lives for as long as we
 did. How many people get to know their great-great-grandchildren?! We love her
 dearly and we will see her again.

When I look at these pictures, I don't want to forget how many times Juliette told her siblings that they were getting coal for Christmas because they were "being mean on purpose!", or how the twins asked to sleep with the girls in their beds almost every night, and they cuddled together under those light pink covers with the happiest smiles on their faces, or how by magic (insert wink), a piano appeared in our front room on Christmas morning. I wish I could go back to December, and relive our precious memories over and over and over again.

Sharing is Caring

Three-year-olds are hilarious. They are also insane. They are in one moment the cutest, sweetest, and most angelic little loves, and in the very next breath, suddenly scream so loud you're convinced you've actually lost an eardrum. I have become a professional manipulator, capable of keeping my cool and diffusing melt-downs, masterfully managing situations where the old Bristyl would've fallen apart. And each time I somehow manage to keep it all together, I feel so good----not because I think anything of myself, but because I can't believe I find so much joy, despite all the chaos, in motherhood.

Are you ready for a laugh? These are a few conversations the twins had last week:

(One day, when Henry's teacher wasn't at school...)

Henry: Maybe she's sick today.

Juliette: Maybe. I hope she feels better!

Henry: Yeah. She's probly at the doctor.

Juliette: I think she got stickers AND a sucker!

Henry: Me too.

Henry knows the name of every dinosaur
in every book we've ever read to him.
My favorite? Balociraptrr (Velociraptor)
His favorite: Tyrannosaurus Rex (which he says perfectly!)

Juliette: One time, when I was a baby, I driveded to Yogurtland in my white car.

Henry: Juliette, babies don't know how to drive a car!

Juliette: Well, I was with a grown up!

Juliette: Last time, I losted my kite.
Henry: (gasp)
Juliette: I know.
Henry: Is it up in the sky?! In outer sace?!
Juliette: Yes. It floated up the sky.
Henry: Can you get it?
Juliette: Henry! We don't have a flying car!


The twins don't quite understand how to use the past-tense. They say:
misseded
finded
losted
makeded
washded


My two favorite sentences are:
"I misseded you!" and "I makeded my bed!"





They both point out letters on every street sign and every store, everywhere we go.
The twins:"Look, mom! It's letter P! P makes the "p" sound! Look, mom! It's letter M! M makes he "m" sound!"
Over and over and over again.

Me:"That's correct! Good job!"
Over and over and over again.

Juliette is still the one in charge, and I suspect she'll always be. 

Juliette: Henry, you're a puppy and I'm a horse, okay? Let's hold hands!

Henry: Okay!

Juliette: Henry, I'm a kitty.

Henry: Oh! You're so cute, Peanut!

Juliette: Do you want to pet me?

Henry: Okay!

Juliette: Henry, SHARING IS CARING! (As she rips his toy out of his hand)

They play together all day long, and I have the great pleasure of playing with them, while London and Elle are at school. I laugh at them, marvel at their brilliance and their thoughtfulness, squeeze them much too tight, and practice, practice, practice my patience. My life is crazy. I love these little twins!

A Geologist in Training

London turned seven, but she's going on seventeen. She has this pretty princess make-up she wears all the time, and it always matches her outfit. I'll catch her and ask, "London, are you wearing makeup?" And she'll respond, "Yeah, but just a little bit. It looks good, right?"

Huh.
I can't argue with that one...

She likes to hang out with my teenage sister. There is nothing she wouldn't do to hang out in Maeci's bedroom. She'll ask, "Um, Maeci, do you want me to help you clean your room? I'm really good at cleaning."

She is a performer, and the most elegant seven-year-old dancer I ever did see.

She is tender-hearted. When the younger kids are acting up, she tells them to settle down. She sets the example for each of them to follow. If I'm stressed or sleep-deprived or exhausted, she rubs my back or puts her arm around me and says, "Mom, I'm sorry you're having a hard day. It will be okay. I'll help you." And then she does.

London is sensitive to the spirit. She hears a beautiful song or an uplifting message, and immediately recognizes that she is feeling the love of God. It often brings a tear to her pretty little eyes.

When she grows up, she wants to be a geologist. Which brings me to her seventh birthday party...

Everything online about a geology party explained mixing sand and plaster of paris in those little tin containers, with a rock or crystal for each kid to personally chisel out. But to me, that didn't seem quite real enough. So I asked Kyle to build me a box, like a sandbox, fill it with cured plaster and sand, and have all the kids chisel together!

The night before the party, we put the kids to bed, and by the light of our cell phones, Kyle mixed and mixed the muddy ingredients on his hands and knees, so they would be dry and set for the following morning. We laughed the whole time, because only I would ask my husband to create a life-size rock-dig for a child's seventh birthday party. And only Kyle, the best husband a girl could ask for, would agree to build it for me! I think he loves me.

When the guests arrived, I told them that there were crystals and geodes just waiting to be uncovered, in a box we had flown in straight from Morocco. There was a station for cleaning and polishing, and a chart to account for each crystal or gem they found. Each crystal, thanks a super kind grandpa we call Popi, was beautiful and genuine. The kids got to work.

The process was much harder than I anticipated, but the kids loved it, and so did the moms and dads who stayed and chiseled away with us. Every stone was found!

We ate cups of dirt, rock-candy cupcakes, fruit salad (with mangoes because they're her favorite), and banana nutella sandwiches.

The kids built a play dough volcano, and I made it erupt with an explosion of red lava.

The party ended with the opening of two Moroccan geodes, and the kids each took home a crystal from the rock-dig.
We all had so much fun!














And for my geologist in training, it was everything she dreamed it could be.










I just realized, I predicted London would become an archaeologist when she was just 1 year old! Remember this?!
Our Little Archaeologist

Oh, I can't wait to see what she becomes!