A Real One

A few weeks ago, my baby sister and I had a conversation about----marriage. I can't remember what sparked the conversation in the first place, but what I do remember is that my sister looked at me and said, in all seriousness, "You and Kyle never fight. I seriously can't imagine you guys fighting. You make marriage look easy."
I tried my best to backpedal.
"Honey, trust me, we fight, just like every other married couple! Marriage is SUPER hard! It's the best thing ever, but it takes SO MUCH work!"

I don't think she really believed me. And that was the moment when I started to think... holy cow, we (married people) are not preparing the next generation for what will be the most important relationship of their lives. A wise woman once said, "If you expect a perfect marriage, you will never be happy in a real one."

So, in this post, technically my eight-year-anniversary post, I want to do more than just insert instagram-worthy pictures and tell the cute stories of our romantic getaway (which of course I'll include, too!), I want to tell you exactly what being married to Kyle taught me this year. And I'm hoping that you'll gain some sort of something that might help you in relationships in the future.

#1 Embrace your differences
Once upon a time, I was on a subconscious quest to carefully craft Kyle into the male version of me. I mean, I'm so efficient, I'm so clean, I'm so organized! But do you know the VERY best thing about Kyle? He is nothing like me. And we picked each other, we were drawn to each other, because where he is weak, I am strong, and where he is strong, I am weak. We are changing, molding, bending into better versions of ourselves, and I love love love how different we are.

#2 Make it easy
"I want you to go to Trader Joe's and buy me pink peonies."
There's Kyle, who feels freaking awesome because he knows exactly what I want. And then there's me, who walks through my front door at least 6 times a day to see a beautiful bunch of my most favorite flowers on the kitchen table, and I smile. every. single. time. and think... ohmygosh I can't believe he picked ME! $7, and 13 little words, people. Universally applicable in marriage.

#3 Lift each other
You're feeling really tired? I'll do the dishes tonight. You're stressed at work? I'll do the bedtime routine. You need some "me" time? Go get a pedicure and don't come home until ten. You're ready to go to bed but I want to stay up? I'll hold you in my arms until you fall asleep, and then fold all the laundry. And sprinkle it on top with a daily dose of: You are so amazing and work so hard for our family! Thank you for everything you do! Or--Wow, this house looks incredible. I love coming home to this!

#4 Change yourself
Make mistakes, and try again. Don't be afraid to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, over and over again. Recognize your weaknesses, and practice fixing them. Go to therapy, where a professional will put everything into perspective, and make you feel whole again. Journal, blog, reflect, and tune-up some more. This year, I discovered that it's only the idea of change that's scary; the changing itself feels oh so good!

NOW, to the romance.

It was my turn to plan our anniversary this year! If you know me, you know about our tradition of planning anniversaries- that we trade off each year, and it's always a surprise for the other person. We ran into a little hiccup, which was bound to happen at some point anyway, when my dad accidentally emailed Kyle the day before our anniversary with all the details of our getaway. Kyle loved it anyway.

We stayed in my uncle's condo on the beach in Rosarito, Mexico--the same place where we had our honeymoon. It was exactly as we remembered it, with breathtaking views of the ocean and the calming sound of waves in the background, playing like a peaceful lullaby. We ate dinner, walked on the beach, relaxed in the hot tub, slept until after 9, played board games, and Kyle serenaded me with his guitar like only he can. I asked him to play a special song for me, one that he played that magical summer when we met on the dance floor. The first two verses are all about kissing a girl, and the third verse is about ending things, because the relationship was never going to last anyway. Nine years ago, when he totally pretended like he wrote the song for me, I thought, "Okay, clearly, he really likes kissing me (ditto), and he only wants this to be a summer fling (ummm, ditto?----Really? Yeah, same, me too. Totally. 2 good 2 be 4 gotten)." He confessed a few months later that one of his buddies actually wrote the song about his high school girlfriend. Now, the words just make me laugh and laugh!

My dad and little sister watched all four children for us, and they were disappointed when we came home, because nothing is more fun than going to job sites with Popi for 2 days.

Eight years isn't that long. I know a lot of people who have been married for decades longer, who are much wiser and much better at it than I am. But can't we also agree that eight years is so long?! If we're lucky, we'll only get to do what we just did ---like---six more times before our time on earth is over. That is CRAZY. I'm determined to not just endure my marriage with Kyle, to not just go through the motions of my insanely busy life, to not just have a bunch of kids with a handsome, intelligent, guitar-playing roommate. What I want is to absolutely love the life we build together, to find so much joy in it that I wake up each most mornings, thrilled to choose him again and again, and to have him choose me, too.